Let’s start with a truism, feeling good in our skin AND our clothes gives confidence (often termed “enclothed cognition”), but giving the fashion industry and ambiguous arbiters of “cool” the ultimate say in what we put on our bodies is surrendering identity in a huge way. So, it’s hard to find the balance between only feeling good based on societal acceptance and finding our own timeless style. Humans naturally want to fit in and to be accepted. Just look at how the universality of signaling tribal belonging through appearancel.
Yet, there is no reductive “this or that” or “stylish or not.” And there is no essential or internal style for someone. We all change so much through the course of our lives, and those changes are intertwined with our connections to our environment, relationships, and selves. We don’t exist, or develop, in a vacuum, so it is only logical that we pick our adornments with some nod to how we chose to present ourselves to a broader community. BUT, and this is a big but for so many of us, what does that look like in a patriarchal society that systematically reduces women’s worth to their appearance and assigns power based on attractiveness (including assigned stylishness labels)?
I think it looks like doing this:
- Reclaim your worth as an essential element of being human
- Take back the power to know your own mind
- Uplift and celebrate humans for being themselves (stop disproportionately criticizing women for their appearances and clothing choices)
Take inspiration from anywhere and everywhere, but trust yourself to know what you actually think about yourself. You know how you feel. You know what you think. You know you’re a fucking badass!
Middle school was hard for me and I put a disproportionate amount of energy on thinking about my clothes and appearance. Not so much for acceptance, but almost as a protective shield for my identity. Like, if I could strike a balance between being true to myself, but also “cool” enough, everyone would just leave me alone. This did not work, and middle school was literal hell (really, just imagine fire torches in English class and demons persecuting me for daring to believe in evolution).
One of my favorite pairs of pants from this time embodied the faddish essence of the 90s with massive wide legs and fraying hems. I could have completely hidden in one of the legs had I needed to, which was probably the main appeal. This undoubtedly influenced my immediate attraction to the Arthur Pants pattern designed by SpecksandKeeping and SewLiberated. Though, more than one instagram poster has lovingly called them “clown pants” or wondered if they were “ridiculous” only to then proclaim their undying love for their awesomeness. Well, I think this kind of equivocation is ridiculous and needs to stop. It’s exactly the type of thinking I was going through in middle school, and is just as pointless now as it was then.
Now that I am approaching 40 I realize that all of life is somewhat absurd regardless of pant leg circumference, and that comfortable, functional fun never needs apologies! Beautifully, that means I’m a lot better at picking things, clothes topmost, because I like them, not because everyone else says so. Yet, being a human socialized as a woman in a patriarchal society I have a very strong pull towards self doubt, despite knowing better and, at least topically, not giving a damn. It’s a bit of an exercise to determine what I like vs what I think the world expects of me.
Sewing my own clothes gives me an opportunity to really explore that tension. It’s like starting from scratch, between the plethora of patterns and fabric choices out there anything is possible, not just what’s on the rack that more or less fits.
- Why choose ‘this’ pattern or fabric over ‘that’ one?
- Where exactly is the boundary between intrinsic personal taste and the desire to conform to socially dictated style or fads? Does it matter if it feels right?
- What makes something timeless while individuals and society change?
Ultimately, these pants are awesome and I feel like a badass wearing them. Partly the badassery is functional. Bike riding- check. Gardening- check. Winter layering- check. Messy parenting- check. But mostly, it’s because I’ve found something that makes me feel like me. I made them, so that helps, but I made them despite doubts about “fitting in” (and even some understandable guffaws from my husband at the muslin stage- ultimately an opportunity to practice my “thinking for myself” muscles).
How to implement these 3 steps for knowing your own mind for people socialized as women in a patriarchal society
- Reclaim your worth as an essential element of being human
- Don’t use your clothes to try to hide! Either by camouflaging your awesomeness, or by wearing what everyone else is wearing to try to fit in or just disappear into the crowd
- Take back the power to know your own mind
- First decide if you like something, and then name WHY, making sure the why’s are centered on your life, values, and experiences– not contingent on fitting in, compliments, or standing out. When something or someone threatens that remember it’s a great opportunity for strengthening your “stay true to yourself” muscles
- Uplift and celebrate humans for being themselves (stop disproportionately criticizing women for their appearances and clothing choices)
- So, IF, someone were to have an unsolicited opinion about your awesome clothes they are WRONG. Sure, their opinion is wrong, but they are wrong to even HAVE a critical opinion based on appearance. Criticizing the clothing of women and anyone who falls outside of narrow gender norms is one of the most pervasive and insidious ways people (usually women) uphold the patriarchy. Knowing this makes it easier to dismiss real or imagined criticism, and helps you feel kinda like a magical badass who can take someone’s attack and send it back at them. “Oh, you want to say something nasty about that woman’s tank top? Ok, well, BOOM, that just makes you a perpetrator of the patriarchy.”
